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Subject:    [SubG] The Manifestobo
Date:        Wed, 22 Sep 1999 11:24:13-0500 (CDT)
From:        Pope Zypgx I <zillah@feeding.frenzy.com>
Reply-To:  subgenius@armchair.mb.ca
To:            subgenius@armchair.mb.ca
 
 
 

In the Grand Tradition of the HappyNet Manifesto...
And in Acknowledgement of the UniBomber Manifesto....
The First Church of Zypgx brings you The Manifestobo....

                                             --> The Manifestobo <--

Whereas it has been observed by the Lystoid LiberpublicratParty that, in general, the world is run inefficiently by stupid and often ugly people,

AND

Whereas, if the Lystoid Liberpublicrat Party really applied itself, we'd all be billionaires in control of the world anyway, The High Lystoid Council will now be making all decisions for the people of Earth in order to make this SHITHOLE of a planet a much better place for people who endorse such things as Hee Haw,and the Teletubbies.
Yes!

The planet will now be a HAPPY PLACE, under control of the High Lystoid Council! The Lystoid Council has decided that -YOU-, dearfriend, have been chosen to be a Priviledged Citizen!

You are -SO-LUCKY, because we ONLY CHOSE 5 billion people to be Priviledged Citizen! And, if you come in to your local HappyFree BarcodeImplant Department within the next 48 hours, YOU WILL GET A HAPPYFREELYSTOID NET-TV, along with HAPPYFREE LYSTOID NET-TV SERVICE!

               --->  SERVICES of the HAPPYFREE Utopia <---

Well, you may be asking yourself, provided you havenot already rushed out to get a HappyFree Barcode, what do I get BESIDESa NET-TV and a HAPPYFREE BARCODE?   Well, Priviledged Citizen,you get the comfort of KNOWING that you do not have to make -any- hard decisions in your life!  The lands will be safe, and cozy....just look at these WONDERFULSERVICES that the Lystoid High Council is implementing JUST FORYOU!

1)  The media will be destroyed.  Nomore Unhappy News, or worrying about whether or not NYPD Blue is safe for your children to watch. NONO!  And,
instead of having ads every 10 minutes on TV,The Lystoid High Council has
decided that there will be an entirely separateAd channel.  The only TV
which will survive  the Media Cleansingwill come through your TOTALLY
FREE HAPPYFREE NET-TV!  And, your TV willfeature these APPROVED Channels:

Channel 1:  Ads
Channel 2:  Blinking and Beeping Things
Channel 3:  Subliminal Messages from theHigh Council
Channel 4:  Colorful Inanimate Objects
Channel 5: Hardcore Sex
Channel 6: Whirrs and Ticks
Channel 7: The Sambo and Tick Apocalypse Channel,Featuring the Terrorist
Puppet Hour for Kids!

Wow!  Isn't that great?  No longer willyour life be sucked down as you
ponder what inane dribble to watch, because ourinane dribble will get old
after about an hour!  AND, not only is yourHAPPYFREE Net-TV a Television,
it ALSO hooks up to the INTERNET, which willbe controlled by Councilor J.
Burns and his Harem of Scantilly Clad RussianWomen!

The Web:  Everything you ever do will berecorded by way of your implanted
barcode and posted immediately to your Governmentassigned Web Page.
You will be given the choice of SEVEN beautifulTHEMES for your Web Page:
Under Construction, Blinking, TOO BRIGHT, ALLBLACK, Cluttered, Broken
Script, and 3733+.  All other web pageswill need to be submitted in
person, in triplicate, to the Center for WebPage Approval located at the
Precise Center of the Earth's Core!

IRC:  The IRCnets such as EFNet, DALnet andUndernet will all be combined
into HFnet, (Happy Free Net).  So that allof our Priviledged Citizens
feel equal, all Citizens may have ops on allchannels at all times.
Anyone who refers to a channels as a "Chat Room",will be forced to visit
every AOL chatroom and issue the warning, "Ibelong here because I am too
stupid to use IRC."  Anyone who resideson a sex channel will be visited
by the Harem of Scantily Clad Russian Women,regardless of sex.  Anyone
who gets on a channel and asks, "a/s/l?" willhave their Name, Address,
Phone Number, Parent's Names, Parent's Address& Phone Number and
Employer's Name Address and Phone Number sentto everyone on the channel.

USENet:  Usenet will be handed to CouncilorKibo.  It belongs to him,
anyway.  Kibo will also be put in chargeof making a Universal Font, which
will become the FONT of the PEOPLE!

Email:  All Priviledged Citizens will begiven a new interface for Email!
It is a BEAUTIFUL PAD of PRESSED WOOD, decoratedwith parallel lines!
They will also be given a high-tech  Graphite-centeredRod which they will
use to "Script" letters to the person of theirchoice.  The current,
backwards, form of email will only be used bythe Lystoid High Council.
Oh yes, Priviledged Citizen, we suffer whileyou get NIFTY NEW TOYS!
Because the High Council LOVES you and wantsyou to be HAPPYFREE!

2) Work:  We, the HIGH COUNCIL, know thatyou suffer and hate your work
and your boss!  In order to make life morebearable for you, every
Thursday will be the Boss Execution Lottery! Thats right, take up a
collection and buy Boss Execution Lottery Ticketsat your local
Convienance Store!

AND, because the HIGH COUNCIL -LOVES- every citizen,we are issuing them a
SECOND PAD of PRESSED WOOD -and- a SECOND High-TechGraphite-Centered Rod.
We -understand- that your computer at work isbroken, and we know that
Technical Support will -never- come and fix it. SO WE WILL GIVE YOU THIS
HIGH-TECH "NOTEBOOK PAPIERE" that Never-ever-everfails!  And, all fax
machines, xerox machines, and other wacky devicesthat are broken half of
the time anyway, will be removed from your office,allowing you to have a
COMPLETELY STRESS-FREE workday!

And, in order to assure the HIGHEST QUALITY ofwork environment for EVERY
PRIVILEDGED CITIZEN, we are making it mandatorythat EVERY CITIZEN be
allotted the following:

a) A smushy stress-ball.
b) A GENUINE coffee mug.
c) Five lbs of Vivarin!

AND, any Citizen who works more than 10 hour dayswill be given a free oz.
of HAPPYFREE FROP, the HAPPY, SOOTHING, RELAXINGHERB of CHOICE!

All employees, in fact, all citizens of the HAPPYFREEUtopia will be paid
EXACTLY the same amount AND They will be paidin postage stamps!  In
addition, all companies will be merged into onecompany, Gas Liquids
Engineering, the HAPPYEST COMPANY ON EARTH!

3)  Language:  The new High Languageof Lystoidia, the HappyFree Utopia,
will be taught in schools and posted on all publicand private signs. Why
should you, the Priviledged Citizen, learn HighLystoidian?  Well, only
those people who speak High Lystoidian will everbe paid, get jobs, or
have homes.  Here is just a small samplefrom the Lystoidian Phrasing
Dictionary:

a) When was the last time you fucked at chicken? (Whensda lastime yoo
fucta chick'n?) - Translation:  Hello, howare you my fellow Citizen?

b) "You owe me a blowjob." (U O me-uh blohjob.) Translation: You're
Welcome, my fellow Citizen.

c) HELOO?  WILL U B MY CHAT FREND??1/1? Translation:  I do so love my
HAPPY FREE NET-TV! And my EXTRA SPECIAL HIGHTECH NOTEBOOK PAPIERE!

d) The EVIL Devilbunnies are coming...to get ME!!!! Translation: I have
recently returned from my stint at the Departmentof Re-Education in the
loving care of Councilor Voorhis.

Wow, isn't that easy?  You, Priviledged Citizen,should RUSH OUT and buy a
copy of the Lystoidian Phrasing Dictionary TODAY,before they run out and
you are forced to live in the street, joblessand hungry!

4)   Other Departments -

The Department of Gratuitous Sex - This Departmentwill be run by the
Right Reverend Doctor Mario, High Councillorof The DoGs, and his infamous
Learned Testicles.   He will be assistedin this project by High Councilor
Oberon, that is, when Oberon is not running GasLiquids Engineering.  IT
IS THE DUTY of this Department to MAKE SURE EVERYSINGLE CITIZEN OF
LYSTOIDIA gets GRATUITOUS sex whenever they WANTit.   Oh, what a
HAPPYFREE UTOPIA, INDEED!

The Department of Counter-Intelligence - Run byHigh Councilor Marian Z.
It will be the duty of this department to rootout all NEFARIOUS PLOTS
EVERYWHERE and subvert them by PLAYING THE SAXOPHONEIN PEACEFUL ENOCHIAN.

The Department of Propaganda - Our good friend,the High Councilor Ahynum,
will make sure you understand EXACTLY HOW PRIVILEDGEDyou ARE, Citizen.

The Department of Law - It will be the purposeof this department to read
all law books and mark out with a THICK BLACKMARKER all the laws that
mean EXACTLY FUCK.

Department of Religion - The first duty of thisdepartment, run by
Councillor Pope, will be to hunt down every $cientologistin the world
using the First Lystoidian Mounted Yak Cavalry.

Department of Interstellar Travel - Run by HighCouncillor Replicant.  OH
PRECIOUS CITIZEN, are those TRIPPLE-PENISED MENFROM NEPTUNE BOTHERING
YOU?  Never FEAR!  For our InterstellarTraveller, Councillor Replicant
will travel the universe, CHOPPING the EXTRApenises OFF OF ALLLLL ALIENS!
Yay!  *(Note:  The quadruple breastedmilkmaids from Zeta Reticulan are
exempt from this policy.)

This year, the High Council will be run by theSemiprecious Overlord in
Magnificent Teflon, His Mightyness Kirb the First.  Kirb can be
EVERYWHERE at once, Priviledged Citizen, andhe KNOWS EXACLTY WHAT YOU ARE
DOING at -all- times, so DONT PISS HIM OFF.

SO, GOOD friend, GOOD citizen, RUSH right outand get your HAPPYFREE
BARCODE today.  YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO be-accidentally- blown up by the
overseer^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hcleansing operatives,would you?

     -=- Pope Zypgx I -=-ICQ: 8435756 -=- mindglue@io.com -=-
-Trenton, NJ Law:  You may not throw a badpickle on the street.-
     Kari's Homepage: http://www.io.com/~mindglue/htmlkari.html
 
 
 

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Put it this way, Seamus:
Did you ever join a group of people you hardly know at a bar? And they seemed to have some kind of a running gag going? One that was maybe just a little at your expense? And they manage to keep the gag going without ever seeming to let the others in on what to do next? And if you hang around for a little while it seems like they're arguing furiously one minute, and cracking jokes the next? And before too long you're in on the running gag too, a nd you can pull the same fast one on the next person to come in? You are in that bar. It's your round. I'll have a pint of MGD, thanks, and a packet of potato chips, barbecue if they gottem.
-Kirb