WARNING: Picture Down Below
Dave the Rooster
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Dave here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Dave back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Dave a little pep talk. "Dave", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word Dave strutted into the hen house.
Dave was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dave had finished having his way with each hen. But Dave didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig pen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Dave, you'll kill yourself". But Dave continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dave lying on his lawn . His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above.
The farmer walked up to Dave saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Dave whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
Mrs. Keller had a very talented parrot. At her dinner parties he was the centre of attention, for she had trained him to repeat what the butler had said when he announced the guests as they arrived.
The parrot only had one failing: He loved to fuck chickens. Every chance he got, he would fly over the fence into the yard of the farmer next door and fuck the chickens.
The farmer complained to Mrs. Keller, and finally she laid the law down to the parrot.
"Dave," she said, "you better listen to me! The next time you go into Farmer Kirb's yard and fuck another chicken I'm going to punish you plenty!"
The parrot hung his head to show he understood. But two days later, he couldn't resist temptation and over the fence he went. He was deep into screwing his third hen when Farmer Kirb spotted him and chased him. Kirb complained again to Mrs. Keller.
"Now you're going to get it!" she said. She got a pair of barber's shears and clipped all the feathers from the top of the parrot's head.
That night, Mrs. Keller threw one of her gala parties. She put the parrot on top of the piano. "Dave," she said, "you've been a rotten old thing. Tonight you're going to sit here all night. No wandering around and no playing the way you usually do!"
And so, feeling rather disconsolate, the parrot sat on the piano. As the butler announced the guests, Dave performed as usual, repeating the names. The butler said, "Mr. Arnold Levy and Lady Stella," and the parrot said, "Mr. Arnold Levy and Lady Stella." The butler said, "Mr. and Mrs. Robert Salomon," and the parrot said, "Mr. and Mrs. Robert Salomon."
Then two bald headed men entered the room. Without waiting for the butler to announce them, the parrot shouted: "All right, you chicken-fuckers! Up here on the piano with me!"
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for her chicken coop.
The young rooster, Rev. Dr. Mario, walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, Dave, time to retire."
Dave says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"
Rev. Dr. Mario replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
Dave says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
Rev. Dr. Mario says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, Dave thinks for a minute and then says to Rev. Dr. Mario, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."
Rev. Dr. Mario says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and Dave takes off running. About 15 seconds later Rev. Dr. Mario takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and Rev. Dr. Mario is only about 5 inches behind Dave and gaining fast.
The farmer, Beanbag, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs her shotgun and BOOM! she blows Rev. Dr. Mario to bits. She sadly shakes her head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"
My landlords son just returned from a month chipping cotton in Queensland. This means walking up and down the rows weeding them by hand with a hoe. Very hot and dangerous work. One of the workers passed out and died from exhaustion. They didn't find him for 4 days.
A kind old man in a pub up there gave him some fatherly advice re. the proper way to fuck a chicken. He said first you should select a large, lively chicken, then tie it's legs inside a thick sock, and carefully close it's head in a drawer, at the correct height. Then, the man gently places his penis in the birds cloaca. Apparently the bird will flop around and go crazy, flapping it's wings and convulsing, which is very stimulating. Good to see the old ways and traditions are being passed on.